Note: This blog post is a few weeks old, but I forgot to post it. Overall, things are looking up and there are some exciting new projects in the works which I will reveal in the next post. But first, let's backtrack some:
Reading over my last two blog posts and after having a conversation with my Aunt last night I can see clearly that nearly everything I wrote about in the previous two posts was so upbeat, chirpy and positive. . . Quite "candy-coated" if you will. I think a number of things were initially going through my head: concern about loved ones at home worrying about me for one and also a need or desire to ease people into what I've been going through in the first month or so. I've realized that a public blog such as this is a first for me and it's tricky and kind of hard in that there's this underlying fear of offending or shocking people. I often find myself wondering how my experiences will be perceived by two very different audiences: those at home versus those here in Cape Town. However, at the end of the day all I can do is try to be honest about as much of it as I feel comfortable with sharing . . time to get REAL.
Reading over my last two blog posts and after having a conversation with my Aunt last night I can see clearly that nearly everything I wrote about in the previous two posts was so upbeat, chirpy and positive. . . Quite "candy-coated" if you will. I think a number of things were initially going through my head: concern about loved ones at home worrying about me for one and also a need or desire to ease people into what I've been going through in the first month or so. I've realized that a public blog such as this is a first for me and it's tricky and kind of hard in that there's this underlying fear of offending or shocking people. I often find myself wondering how my experiences will be perceived by two very different audiences: those at home versus those here in Cape Town. However, at the end of the day all I can do is try to be honest about as much of it as I feel comfortable with sharing . . time to get REAL.
The last 6 weeks have been a complete emotional roller-coaster on so many levels, filled with many ups (which I've listed and talked about in previous posts) and equally as many downs. Initial culture shock, trying to adjust to another new and big city, realizing how dependent I am on my Aunt and Uncle (as I'm primarily volunteering/working for peanuts here), and feelings of lonliness and isolation all followed. Finding that once again it takes a lot of time and energy to make new connections/friends in a place you have none, which ultimately leads to missing one's own friends and family. This topped with crashing the Aunt's car into the Uncle's truck bumper (and majorly denting it up good) upon my first attempt at backing out the driveway certainly didn't help matters during the "readjustment" period. All I can say is that it's a good thing I'm a seasoned traveler, have done enough international volunteer work to know it's not always "ideal" circumstances and have moved before to new countries and cities, which is all a good reminder of how normal all these overwhelming feelings and emotions can be, but to also know that this too shall pass.
In terms of my art therapy work, let's just say it became quite apparent real quickly that the experience I have here will be in large part what "I" make of it. Prior to arriving I had all these dreams, notions, hopes and ideas of how the work I'm doing would get started here. My thinking was: plenty of training, appropriate preparations, and lots of support while in the the process of starting out. Perhaps these were somewhat idealistic and unrealistic expectations. At any rate I realized very quickly that I'm basically on my own (although I do have a translator I'm working with) and was for the most part dropped into Nyanga township and the Red Cross Children's Hospital to figure it all out for myself, with little to no real supervision. I understand that on many levels this is the best type of learning experience and often the quickest way to adapt and get into a groove, but it isn't always the easiest way, that's for sure. And, it doesn't take away from the initial shock I went through of suddenly being and working in the townships. After day 1 in Nyanga (and day 2 in Cape Town: still completely jet-lagged) I witnessed the aftermath of extreme violence between 2 children. While in Nyanga I tried to act like it was no big deal as I knew this would be one of the realities of day to day life that I would come into contact with. But when I came home I was a little more traumatized than I initially thought. I cried and sobbed to the Aunt who listened and asked if I was sure I could and wanted do this and then insisted on wine and sushi which certainly helped but didn't take away from that one big question looming overhead: CAN I DO THIS?
The following week I went to my first memorial service for one of our students (aged 14) who died outside one of the schools I'm working at in a gang related altercation. I think it was at this point that it really finally hit me in terms of what exactly I had signed up for and what followed was a conversation with myself in which I really started questioning what the hell I'm doing here, really. . . and why. By that I mean: there are so many people in my own country that I could be helping and doing art therapy with. Wondering to myself at times why I had to come all the way to Africa and into the townships to do this work?!? However, in my heart of hearts and for those of you who know me well, the reality is that's just not who I am or how I work. Volunteer work on an international scale, a challenge, working with those less fortunate, making my own small difference in the world, combined with travel, culture, and art is how I prefer it. It's not always easy but in the end the experience is just that much richer. . . for better or worse, I'm here for the 8 month duration. In the thick of it and trying to make my way.
